Wedge
Public area => The Pub => Off-topic => Topic started by: Arantor on June 11th, 2012, 05:21 AM
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So, some of you will be aware that recently my partner and I split up, and it emotionally and mentally screwed me up more than I want to admit to myself, but there you go.
Thing is, as much as it's turned my life upside down, I'm not entirely sure it hasn't done me a favour. I spent the better part of the evening butting heads with a jerk, acting something like a jerk myself, eh, that's life for you. Everything I dished out, I felt justified in.
But you know what? As justified as I've felt with everything I've done, there's something very wrong with me and my life right now. I've lost sight of what I got into this computing lark for. I've lost that spark, whatever it was, that made everything so awesome.
Everything of the last few weeks, certainly, but quite possibly a lot longer, has been walking a road almost for the sake of walking the road. None of the code I've turned out lately has been particularly wonderful, or interesting, or indeed particularly bug free, and it's just been a circle of fighting with it, unsatisfied and unfulfilled.
The me of 10 years ago understood. Me 10 years ago understood about making things because it was cool to make things, and whether anyone read it or not, it didn't matter, it was just cool to do, a great learning experience. Everything I did 10 years ago seemed deep and full of imagination - of course in hindsight it looks childish and primitive, but the me of 10 years ago didn't care.
The feeling of not seeing the wood for the trees, that's where I am right now. I'm so deep into code that I don't even understand why I'm doing it any more - not just this project or that project, but code as a thing. It's like a splinter in my mind, it consumes me, and I stopped understanding why I gave myself to it as I did.
So I sit here, just before I go to bed, about to knock back another rum+coke, I gotta wonder, where did I lose myself? Where did the magic go? Can I find it again? I hope so, but on that thought, I bid you good day.
I'm gonna take a few days out and see what I can do, see if I can find some of the magic I used to have. See you on the flipside.
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While I find it kind of hard to reply to this, I suppose I find it even harder to not reply to. Be careful. Some people get depressed after breakups, and you sound like one of them.
What I can tell you is that from my experience, alcohol never made anything better or easier. What does make things easier and better, at least did for me, was to get out and do activities with other people. Doesn't really matter what you decide to do, I think, as long as other people are around. Merely the act of dressing up to meet people will help you feel better.
Good luck
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Are you sure you want to discuss this in public...? :-/
Thing is, as much as it's turned my life upside down, I'm not entirely sure it hasn't done me a favour.
When I broke up in 2005, I went on to be alone for a total of 6 weeks before I met Milady... 6 weeks isn't terribly long.
However, in that time:
- I was very happy with the breakup.
- I was horribly sad about it at the same time.
- I went through a two-week period of what can be characterized as depression. (Or is that post-breakup trauma?) I barely ate anything, had no interest in anything. My neighbor told me later that I looked like a zombie.
- I started losing weight. Because of that, I started feeling a bit better about my overall looks. Thus, I kept eating the same, started doing a 'proper' diet, and ended up losing about 40 pounds in the course of 6 months (20 pounds in the first month).
- After several weeks I felt better about myself, had taken new directions and really got out of the depression period. I was ready to conquer the world again...
I guess that, sometimes, you really have to go through bad times to be able to renew your focus in life. It's the same with lost loves, lost family, even lost opportunities can be a factor...I spent the better part of the evening butting heads with a jerk, acting something like a jerk myself, eh, that's life for you. Everything I dished out, I felt justified in.
Everything of the last few weeks, certainly, but quite possibly a lot longer, has been walking a road almost for the sake of walking the road. None of the code I've turned out lately has been particularly wonderful, or interesting, or indeed particularly bug free,
Heck, most of the times you only find the bugs by chance. Accounting for them before they happen, is tantamount to adding a lock on every door in one's house even though one lives alone. Sometimes it's just simpler to do something, try it, if it works in the long run great, if it doesn't, either fix it again, or just revert it and think of another solution. Or just nothing. It's not that important...Everything I did 10 years ago seemed deep and full of imagination - of course in hindsight it looks childish and primitive, but the me of 10 years ago didn't care.
The feeling of not seeing the wood for the trees, that's where I am right now. I'm so deep into code that I don't even understand why I'm doing it any more - not just this project or that project, but code as a thing.
I'm gonna take a few days out and see what I can do, see if I can find some of the magic I used to have. See you on the flipside.
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Well.. Nao and Norodo said it all.. alcohol isn't the solution and even if it seems the most difficult thing to do you should try to go out with friends. They can seem stupid and the things they discuss or laugh about may appear futile, but over time I think you'd enjoy again the times with them.
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Also remember that everyone goes through it as well so your not the only one that's felt the way you do, so talk to friends about it!
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Um, here's the thig... I was feeling this way before the breakup, even then I was having trouble coding, feeling like themagic had gone, it's been that way since Christmas, maybe even before that.
It took the breakup for me to realise it.
I'd love to get away from everything right now and rediscover what it was that made me fall in love with programming but I have so much stuff to do here that I won't be able to for several days at least, family matters and such.
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As you wish, really... :unsure:
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I don't know you very well, but I have been following you, your work, and your sites for an few years now.
All I can say is that you, your work, and your way of thinking is inspiring a lot of people every day. The way you work, the results it gives, the way you look at websites and development.
There has been a lot of shit going on in your life. First with smf and its team. I also remember some crap in the dream portal team boards. The split up with your wife. And I have probably forgotten quite a few more...
Those situations have an huge impact on an person. Always fighting for your right. I think what you need is an break. And an deserves one it is. Take the plane, and go to an country that you've always wanted to visit. Have fun. And eventually you'll find rest and power to move on.
But remember that what you do does matter.
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The fact that you are sharing this with a bunch of people who only know you "on paper" makes me think you are feeling lost and confused right now. I don't mistake myself for one of your dear, close friends, but I do respect the parts of you I've met online.
I can't make any very specific comments because I honestly don't know you very well.
"Forest for the trees" is a problem not only in developing code, but in many parts of life.
I think the best advice I've seen here is to go see the people who really care about you, in person. Or invite them over.
See their faces, shake hands, hug.
The second best advice is about doing things that are good for you, healthy for you, and help you feel good about yourself.
Diet, exercise, trip to the doctor -- all those kinds of things.
Of course, you are going to feel blue, "in mourning" or even depressed for a while. Accept that, and accept that you are going to be able to move on.
A common thing to do about now is to think through your priorities. What is important in this life?
In the future, what balance will you look for in the different parts of your life?
Many people feel most satisfied when they feel connected to something good, important, and larger than themselves.
Thinking through these things will help you as you work through the feelings and try to figure out which way is up.
Adversity and opportunity. I don't know what your best path forward is, but I wish you all the best.
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You're in my prayers, Arantor. C'mon out to California and hang out in Yosemite with me. :) We'll play a round of golf at the Wawona Golf Course, then hike the Mist Trail. Guaranteed to shake the blues.
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First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone who's taken the time to respond here, it is appreciated.
Someone helpfully pointed me in the direction of http://www.helpguide.org/mental/burnout_signs_symptoms.htm which has given me things to think about.
In other news, I've been trying to arrange a few things to get out and about, namely to go to Paris and then to some friends in America (in Kentucky), Kentucky's looking pretty firm for the first week or two of July but I had hoped to get to France before that, though it seems Eurostar is fully booked :( But it should definitely give me a mental rest from trying to do everything I've been trying to do and mean that I can get things back on track, and then everyone's a winner :)
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Burn out blows and its not always caused by the work itself. A break to reflect is always nice.
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Eurostar is fully booked? Sounds surprising...
And what about ferries?
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The problem with ferries is that I have to get to the port, and IIRC Dover is not that easy to get to. Newhaven's easier but that just means I'd get to Dieppe and have no idea how to get to anywhere else - I don't know the travel system in France and my French is terribly poor :(
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Going by car?
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Well it's technically possible for me to fetch you in Dieppe -- but at about 2h30 worth of travel, it's pretty much the Eurostar distance between London and Paris ;)
I'm just surprised you can't find a Eurostar trip. I just went to their website, tried a London-Paris for today and for this Thursday, and it came up with tons of results -- notably a few at 100£. It's not cheap because it's soon, but it's doable. The return trip is at 75 to 90£ on a Sunday or Monday for instance.
I tried an outbound trip on Sunday night, found a 65£ one, but as you know next week I'll be very busy IRL so it'll be harder to organize anything.
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Everyone deals with situations and problems differently, but most certainly always best to do it with friends :)
Really good friends can get you through most things - intact.
Best of luck Arantor.
p.s Dont sit in Nao's room tapping out code........ get to the bars, cafes and fine eateries :cool: :lol:
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p.s Dont sit in Nao's room tapping out code........ get to the bars, cafes and fine eateries :cool: :lol:
room office.
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Well, I actually don't drive, so getting to France is reliant on where I can go via public transport. Getting to Newhaven is easy enough, Dover is a lot tougher.
The thing is, I don't want to be a burden on people, so I would feel incredibly awkward about asking anyone to take a couple of hours out of their day just to come get me.I'm just surprised you can't find a Eurostar trip. I just went to their website, tried a London-Paris for today and for this Thursday, and it came up with tons of results -- notably a few at 100£. It's not cheap because it's soon, but it's doable. The return trip is at 75 to 90£ on a Sunday or Monday for instance.
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I can get out there pretty much any day in the next week or so, what's up with that?!
People rarely make an offer unless they want to, for one reason or another.
Clearly, you've got a friend who cares about you.
Clear your mind. Evaluate your priorities in life.
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As I said, I'll be too busy from Monday or so (and I'd LOVE to escape what's coming to me, not at liberty to discuss it in public), but I'm ready to welcome you anytime this week. Even tomorrow morning if you want... There's a spare room etc. But don't expect me to take you to bara and have fun and everything because I'm as boring a bloke as can be made :^^;:
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Pete -- I noticed you no longer had any membergroup attached to yourself... Was it a voluntary move on your side? I reset the groups just in case.
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It happened right after this post:
:edit: Nao: (snip)
So I think it is indeed voluntary...
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Pete -- I noticed you no longer had any membergroup attached to yourself... Was it a voluntary move on your side? I reset the groups just in case.
We're not just talking about admin status -- but Wedgeward...!
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Oh fuck.
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I split the other topic to the private boards.
Pete -- I have a message for you over there.
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Pete...
The open invitation's still open.
If I HAVE to get you from the station, it'll take me... oh... ages. All of five minutes, if that.
It's not as groovy as parts of France. But, it's kinda laid-back and mellow.
Hassle? Meh. That's what friends are for, innit, you ol' scrubber? ;)
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Eh! Saw you, Pete!
Ooh... Don't have time to stalk you, actually. I just realized Wuthering is broken in plenty of areas... And my girlfriend is calling me to watch some dud. What should I do?!
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Watch the dud then fix a theme or sleep or whatever it is you want to after a bad movie :)
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Wasn't that bad, in the end :P